Hey all!
Welcome to the last edition of my Movember special series. When I started it exactly a month ago I set 3 goals for myself, two of which quite subjective, but goals nonetheless:
1) Raise at least $100 for Movember, done thanks to you, legends!
2) Help someone through the advice and resources I share. Judging by the feedback, done.
3) Find further areas of improvement for myself. Writing today’s post about relationship with others did actually help me on this one.
Since today I’ll mostly be sharing the work of others, and because it’s a weak spot for me, I decided to add a touch of authenticity to this edition and rate myself for every advice that I’m about to give here.
Before we get into it, let me clarify that this is about any kind of relationship – family, friends, or romantic ones.
Note that they are all reflective of the relationship you have with yourself. If you don’t do your work on the previous 3 pillars that I shared it will really show up here. That’s why I left it last, you know. So I recommend going back and reading the other posts in case you’ve missed them.
Humans being social animals, this pillar is crucial for your mental health. It’s just as important as the others, even though it's the last step.
Well, without further ado, let’s go!
Get better at expressing how you feel
Being vulnerable is important for improving the quality of all your relationships and interactions. Here’s a brief list of signs that you may need to improve here (credit – Mark Manson):
You consistently fall into boring conversation topics because they’re “safe”
You’re stuck in a job or lifestyle (I’d add friendships & romantic relationships) you don’t truly enjoy, because other people always told you that it was a good idea and you didn’t want to upset or disappoint others
Smiling at strangers makes you feel creepy
The idea of asking someone out (I’d also insert trying to start conversations with strangers) openly scares you because of the possible rejection
Check on all 4 for me, ugh. How do you get better then? Well, don’t take any advice from a guy who admits being bad at expressing his feelings. Instead read Mark Manson’s article on vulnerability, and if you’re a male check out one of his books as well (a lot more about self-improvement than its title suggests).
When it comes to arguments, I’d suggest you watch this segment of Tim’s video, where he shares a template on how to articulate yourself in a way that’s less likely to provoke a negative emotion in the other person.
Personal assessment – 3/10… I mean I have some very close friends who only learned about my panic attacks through this newsletter.
Set firm boundaries
An essential ingredient for any type of healthy relationship is respect. Surprise, surprise, but this is something that depends on you entirely – on your self-esteem, confidence, and emotional stability. If you lack in any of those it will be most clearly reflected in the way you set boundaries.
In case you’re unsure whether here are a few symptoms that show you have a problem to fix:
You sometimes feel being taken advantage of
Your time is often consumed by doing things for somebody else that doesn’t directly concern you
You’re often arguing over things you don’t believe are your fault
You're unhappy with the time you spend on personal projects or self-improvement
This is once again an area of improvement for me. My advice here is short and clear, though difficult to actually put in place. Start by defining your personal boundaries – the better you know yourself, the easier it will be to do so. If someone breaks them, it might be your fault for not communicating clearly. In that case, let it pass once. If they do cross your boundaries again, then act based on the consequences you’ve pre-set and be firm with it.
Sometimes being an (ethical) asshole can be beneficial. Аnd hey, removing people that challenge your identity or drain your energy makes space for the ones you need in your life.
Personal assessment – 5/10… kinda suck here, but I’m getting better.
Look for the good in everyone
I’ll just leave the following song and its lyrics here. Nothing more to add. Be compassionate to others, we’re all a mess sometimes.
Personal assessment – 8/10… a downgrade from where I was a while ago, hopefully I’ll reverse the trend.
Well, we made it! I genuinely hope you found this series useful. Please, give me your feedback either by replying to the email or in the comments.
And see you again soon, this time with poems (and a moustache) :)
Cheers!